Freelancer Etiquette

The Top 10 Rules of Freelance Etiquette:

1) PARK IN THE VISITOR SPACES. Why park behind the dumpster when you've got a spot reserved for you right up front? Everyone knows that visitors are greeted with a smile and given the respect they so richly deserve. They are shown around the office, introduced to everyone and treated to an expansive buffet lunch. And since you're not on staff, so you must be a.... "visitor", right?

2) SLOWLY MAKE YOUR WAY AROUND THE WHOLE OFFICE TO CATCH UP WITH OLD FRIENDS. It's important to take a few hours to reminisce about the good old days with old co-workers. That way they won't forget who you are, and you'll be "top-of-mind" when they need freelance help in the future.

3) SWAP OUT YOUR NON-FUNCTIONAL MOUSE WITH THE FUNCTIONAL MOUSE OF THE NEAREST ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE WHEN THEY'RE NOT AROUND. This will demonstrate to your Art Director that you're willing to do anything to get the job done. Everyone knows that real "go-getter" freelancers are hard to come by. Besides, what's an Account Exec need a mouse for?

4) BE FIRST IN LINE WHEN THE LEFTOVER LUNCH FROM THE CLIENT MEETING IS BROUGHT OUT. Some staffers would have you believe that they should be first, then their dog, then the receptionist, then the mail room guy, then the janitor, and THEN the freelancers. This is untrue. Since freelancers get paid by the hour they should be first instead of waiting around in a line wasting time. After all, time is money!

5) FOLLOW CREATIVE REQUEST FORMS TO THE LETTER! This one is pretty obvious, but I thought I'd list it anyhow. We all know that Creative Request Forms (a.k.a. Creative Service Requests, etc.) always contain all of the information you will ever need to begin and complete a project. All of the exact specifications, communication priorities and client-based mandatories are always spelled out in great detail which eliminates the need to ask stupid questions. Thank God for these things, or we'd all be banging our heads against the wall in utter frustration!

6) SEXUALLY HARASS ANYONE YOU WANT TO. It's not widely known, but sexual harassment laws only apply to full-time employees, not freelancers. I'd recommend doing this sooner than later as this little legal loophole won't stay open forever.

7) DON'T BOTHER THE IT DEPARTMENT WITH STUPID REQUESTS. Listen, the IT department has it's hands full trying to thwart the evil Zerg from invading sector 42-B. They simply don't have time to let a lowly freelancer know what the password is to log on to the server! And they certainly don't have time to upgrade your creative software so it will be compatible with the rest of the creative department! What do think this is? A multi-million dollar creative agency?!

8) FILL OUT YOUR TIME SHEETS IN FARSI. Just to see if anyone in accounting is paying attention.

9) MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME. Independent studies have shown that a comfortable freelancer is a productive freelancer. Create your own desktop pattern, hang up large photos of your children, proudly proclaim your controversial political beliefs and feel free to use the mailroom as your own personal UPS Store. Even if you are only on-site for a day or two your fellow co-workers will appreciate your efforts to feel at home in their shop.

10) INVITE YOURSELF ALONG TO THE OFFICE HAPPY HOUR. Hey, you worked just as hard as they did on that last project so why not have 9 or 10 pops on the company tab? After all, what better way is there to bond with the creative team then over shots of mescal and Jager? You don't have to worry about them not thinking you're a "professional" since no one will remember this tomorrow anyhow.